Red Velvet Cupcakes
Erin Power of fatgirlinskinnyjeans.com has something to say about V-Day.
Love is in the air. Well, at least the smell of heart-shaped cookies is.
Who’s going to be my valentine you ask? My pup. Obviously. No, he can’t buy me chocolate, or makeout (though he tries), or buy me happiness, aka dinner with ALL of the courses included and no bill at the end. BUT he will certainly take up more than half the bed at the end of the night, breathe his hot breath into my face, and start the following day as if nothing happened the day before. So basically, I’m not missing out on much.
I’ve always been a sucker for sharing Valentine’s Day with handmade cards, goodie bags of candy, and the like. Growing up I always made sure to make bags of candy for all of my friends at school, which was everyone ‘cause I’ve been hilarious for quite a while now. Also, my hussy-like tendencies hadn’t quite made their prime mark on my timeline and all the girls still liked me. As well as the boys, ‘cause well, I wouldn’t give it up.
So there I was, carrying around a big shopping bag around to all of my classes, filled with happiness in the form of chocolate to share with everyone. All the while, I hoped. Shit, I PRAYED I’d be one of those girls in the class that got a rose, or a card, or whatever the Yearbook Committee had come up with that year to raise money, or my hopes. I’m fairly certain that while all the preppy/popular girls got 1 or 2 or 12, I was stuck with the “cheer up” note my bestie folded up and passed down the row of happy whores. God, I could just die. Or wish I had kept that damn chocolate to MYSELF! Eh, what can I say, I started eating my feelings early on.
Valentine’s Day has gotten better over the years. And by better I mean that I’ve come to accept that it will be the one time during the year that I’ll be suffering a drought, not dating ANYONE, not even currently “hanging out” with a go-to bud. I’ve come to accept that THIS will be another year where my best present will come from my Dad. Even though he limits the chocolate he buys me, admittedly because he knows I’ll eat the whole box in one sitting. Partially out of sadness and purely feeling badly for myself. And of course, partly because I have zero self control in life with most things, this being one of those things. Mi madre always follows through too with a cute gift bag with a new piece of fun jewelry or soaps and lotion. Ya know, the things you want and the things you run out of but hate spending money on. Thanks to my inconsistent dating life, and constant state of heartbreak I hardly run out of soaps and lotions. And chapstick and socks. Mom really knows the way to my heart.
With that, I have a gift for you. For the lovers and the hussies alike. A treat you can make with your girls, or for your boo. And they will LOVE you for it!
I leave you with a quote by the ever hilarious Mae West.
“Love thy neighbor – and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating it will be that much easier.” – Mae West
- 2 ½ sifted cups cake flour
- ¼ cup sifted dutch cocoa
- 2 teaspoon sea salt
- 1 ½ cups sugar
- 1 ½ cups vegetable oil
- 2 large eggs
- 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
- 1 cup buttermilk
- 1 ½ teaspoons baking soda
- 2 teaspoons vinegar
- -Red food coloring-
- 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature
- 3, 8-ounce packages cream cheese, at room temperature
- 1 cup sifted confectioners' sugar
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 tablespoon bourbon of choice
- 2 teaspoons sea salt
- 1 cup crumbled cooked smoked bacon
- 12 ounces semisweet chocolate, melted
- 1 tablespoon sea salt
- For the Cakes: In a mixing bowl, combine sugar, oils, and eggs. Then vanilla. Combine all dry ingredients in a medium sized mixing bowl. Add to wet ingredients. Add buttermilk and red food coloring until you reach the color you’d like.
- In a small bowl, combine baking soda and vinegar. You’ll see it bubble! Then add to batter, folding in gently.
- Bake at 350°F for approx. 20 minutes for regular sized muffin pan.
- For the Frosting: Whip butter until smooth, add cream cheese until combined. Add remaining ingredients and whip until smooth.
- For the Bark: Pour melted chocolate over a half sheet pan covered in parchment and sprayed with non-stick spray. Then sprinkle “bacon bits” over the chocolate. Place in the freezer. Once ALMOST firm, add the sea salt flakes. Maldon sea salt is my favorite. Break apart and make it a topper on your cupcakes!